Publius Cornelius Tacitus.

"Forbidden things have a secret charm."



"For those who fly across the seas, they change their skies, not their souls."

A Beautiful Mistake.

That's all I've ever made out of my life.

Crazy, unbridled, yet full of beautiful learned lessons- mistakes.


One after another. Resulting from lack of sound judgement, very little coherence, absolutely no sense of coordination with mind nor body. There seems to be this absence of communication within myself. My head does one thing, my body another, my heart yet something completely different from the rest. And, quite obviously, it is no longer working in my favor.

It's like that stupid snowball effect. You start out with this tiny perfect snowflake. Then it decides it wants to be friends with other snowflakes. Then they make this ball that wants to roll down this hill. So while its rolling, it gets bigger and bigger. Then comes a tree. The tree splits the enormous ball into a million little pieces. Then all hell breaks loose.

I just keep having those days where you sit around and do nothing. And then at the end of the day, you can't remember a solitary moment in which you did something worthwhile. You might have attempted to talk to friends..but you just don't feel like talking. You might have tried to eat but everything tastes like nothing. You might have put on some music...then turned it off because EVERY damned song reminds you of some event, some stage in your life, or someONE.





On a side note, people that I had assumed I would never see again, perhaps never wanted to see again, or were unconsciously wanting to see again have reemerged into my life. Nick, Erin, Thomas, Daniel... its all too strange to analyze at the moment. I'm still not sure what to make of it. I think that we all create our own destiny...but at some point in one's life, the universe decides to it wants to be queen/king again, so it takes back its authority and shoves you in a direction that you never wanted to be facing.

Lost.

Time and time again, I've heard that I live in my own little world. Only recently have I noticed that it may be true. I believe it's one of my many defense mechanisms. Thus, I can create and live in my own happiness. A world in which cupcakes are for breakfast, speed limits are void, money is spent like there is no tomorrow, things can be said out of order and context, and everyone is allowed to ignore all responsibilities and reprecussions.

But that world, that is created solely by me, for me, I am suddenly feeling quite lost in.

My life is falling apart. School is no longer entertaining. Work is mundane. My computers are dead. My love life is shot. My bank account is low.

And luck is running out.

I need another life-altering moment. The Lightbulb. The Great Epiphany. The Moment that brings the monotonous into a new light, a new viewpoint. The One that brings the tremendous swelling of your chest, full of new life and hope.

It's Delicate.

Damien Rice's song came on.



We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to ya
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to ya
Why'd you sing with me at all?









I hate this. I hate you for leaving.

Please.

"Be to her virtues very kind, be to her faults a little blind."

-Matthew Prior

Sweetly Broken.

To all:

1. I can't do this anymore. The little white lies keep building up. I know you're lying so I keep a running count. It's more than it should have ever been. Everytime I see you it makes it harder. I can't trust you. I wish you would just leave already. Get away from here...from me. It's like trying to keep water in your cupped hands. No matter what you do, you know it will soon be gone.

2. It's the best its ever been. Yet I'm not sure if its time. I can't take that step...you should know that by now. The things you said...it was too much. Too much, too soon. Too much at one time. It's not that I think you can't handle me. For the first time, it's I think I won't be able to handle you.

3. The things you told me... I didn't know where it was coming from. Could I be that oblivious to the people that surround me? I know you think it would be the greatest travesty if there was no attempt. But I think the attempt would be wasted from the start. There would be no sort of normalcy. No sense of security.

4. I can't stay in this limbo with you. Choose sides. You have a girl. So leave me alone. I'm not obligated to you anymore.

5. You have always been there for me. No matter what. I don't understand how our situation could happen. Only storybooks follow that road. I just hate that we're worlds away. Come away with me.

Worst Possible Outcome.

I'm not trying to break your heart. Honestly.



And you'll probably hate me for the rest of your life.



But I just can't. It's not in my nature. I'm a creature of habit. And it's not in my habits either.