Isn't It Ironic?

"You'v already won me over, in spite of me."


How could I have let myself?? None of this should have happened. You're supposed to be just one of those boys whose last name I forget a few months down the road.

But you're not. And I hate that. It's that movie ending... the convertible classic car rides off into the sunset, the couple together, leaving nothing behind but a thick layer of dust where its been. Except, in this story, the guy forgot the girl. And no matter what she does or what he says, he doesn't make that u-turn. His heavy foot still remains on the gas pedal...getting as far away as he can get.

I have everything that could keep me occupied...but you still end up in my head.


Last year, my life was so incredibly simple and sweet. School was easy (and I was stilll attending), I was only working one job (instead of four), friends were around and I went home often enough. A boyfriend who would do anything for me...gave me the small world he knew. We broke up but it wasn't so hard. '07 looks as its heading towards a difficult year.

With all this, its hard to keep optimisitic. The reality is...you're going to always be that "what if?" guy. At times, I don't want to accept that that could be true. It's my rare glass-full thinking. But in the back of my analytical mind, I know its a lost cause. There is no hope to be had.

The one person that I want to give my world to....doesn't want it. Fuck you. It was all a lie.





Maybe I am a hopeless romantic. I've been denying it all these years but perhaps I'm one of those. I want that person that would travel hundreds of thousands of miles just to see me for a minute. The one that can stop analyzing everything and jump into anything with me. One who can forget everyone else exists, except us. I am going to let myself be whisked away by someone who's already in love with me. It'd be completely effortless. We'd travel the world. He'd let me have my zoo of animals. Two beautiful German/Japanese kids with a whole rainbow of 10 adopted children.

I would be his world. And he would be mine.

California On The Brain.

"That which will never come again is what makes life so sweet."



Days like these... These "contemplation" days- the ones that make you pause, that make you take deeper breaths, that make you sit back and look at what is before you-type of days are so few and far between lately.

I used to have these days all the time. I'd just lounge around in pajamas listening to Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Etta Jones. Watch the sunlight's shadows move. Rock in my hammock and count clouds. Read an entire book, cover to cover. Daydream my day away.

Just makes me wonder how numbered these days are.








P.S. Your love is better than ice cream. I'm addicted.

Publius Cornelius Tacitus.

"Forbidden things have a secret charm."



"For those who fly across the seas, they change their skies, not their souls."

A Beautiful Mistake.

That's all I've ever made out of my life.

Crazy, unbridled, yet full of beautiful learned lessons- mistakes.


One after another. Resulting from lack of sound judgement, very little coherence, absolutely no sense of coordination with mind nor body. There seems to be this absence of communication within myself. My head does one thing, my body another, my heart yet something completely different from the rest. And, quite obviously, it is no longer working in my favor.

It's like that stupid snowball effect. You start out with this tiny perfect snowflake. Then it decides it wants to be friends with other snowflakes. Then they make this ball that wants to roll down this hill. So while its rolling, it gets bigger and bigger. Then comes a tree. The tree splits the enormous ball into a million little pieces. Then all hell breaks loose.

I just keep having those days where you sit around and do nothing. And then at the end of the day, you can't remember a solitary moment in which you did something worthwhile. You might have attempted to talk to friends..but you just don't feel like talking. You might have tried to eat but everything tastes like nothing. You might have put on some music...then turned it off because EVERY damned song reminds you of some event, some stage in your life, or someONE.





On a side note, people that I had assumed I would never see again, perhaps never wanted to see again, or were unconsciously wanting to see again have reemerged into my life. Nick, Erin, Thomas, Daniel... its all too strange to analyze at the moment. I'm still not sure what to make of it. I think that we all create our own destiny...but at some point in one's life, the universe decides to it wants to be queen/king again, so it takes back its authority and shoves you in a direction that you never wanted to be facing.